Thoughts about Tanner

Since I was so close in age to Tanner and lived fairly close as well, I knew him quite well. We always had a fun time playing together at family dinners in Paradise Valley. I remember how much he loved trucks at one point in life. We both shared a love of MicroMachines too. I remember sitting at the young kids table in Granny and Grandpa's house and laughing endlessly over "Kentucky Fried" items (Kentucky Fried Tanner. Ha ha ha ha ha ha...). I remember playing under the big trailer in St. John's and pretending that it was a space ship. I remember how much Tanner liked the tree house he and his dad built in St. John's. I remember all the times we went swimming in Granny and Grandpa's pool. I remember going to Camp Geronimo with Tanner. We spent a lot of time talking and laughing; we did pretty much all of our merit badges together. I even copied Tanner's Eagle Scout project by also building fish hatcheries for a lake near Phoenix. I remember picking poison ivy with Tanner at Geronimo and chasing some of the other scouts in our troop with it (we never would have touched them with it; we never were affected by it but then again, we were very careful to only touch the bottom of the stem and never touch the leaves). I remember Tanner coming to scout activities a little late because they had to drive over from Scottsdale after tennis. I remember the big old Jeep the Smiths had and were working on that Tanner liked so much. I remember having sleep overs at his house and talking and playing Super Nintendo. I remember Tanner as a tall kid with dark hair and a large smile.

I remember being on staff at Camp Geronimo and feeling really unhappy near the end of my first week (of a 3 week shift) - feeling that I should just go home. Here's from my journal from July 9, 1995: "Last week I went to Geronimo for staff. I didn't really like it this year so I left. The main reason I came home was because I felt like I needed to go home. It was the Holy Ghost prompting me. The feeling started on about Wed. and got progressively stronger until Fri. night where I said to Dad [our scout troop was up there at the time] I wanted to be taken home. The next day, Saturday (yesterday) I packed up and left. I didn't know why I felt I needed to come home until about 1:30-2:00 this morning. Around midnight Sat. night-Sun. morning Tanner Smith, my favorite cousin and best cousin-friend killed himself.... It does not seem real.... I miss Tanner so much...I love you, Tanner."

I think the biggest regret that I have is never talking about Tanner. We should have all kept talking about him every time we got together (of course, this is something that I mainly learned through all my psychology education) - that is why I appreciate the call for posts about memories of Tanner. I think that Tanner had such an impact on all of us not just because of the way that he died but also because of the way he lived.